Scary Movie 5 (2013) Review

Remember back in the year 2000, when people still thought the Wayans Brothers were funny? No? Well maybe you remember that sort of entertaining movie they made in the same year, Scary Movie? You know the one, the one you have such fond memories of because you watched it when you were twelve and still thought poo jokes were funny?

Because it’s poo!

Of course you remember it, because it’s probably one of the most highly regarded comedy movies of the century. Even if you’ve never seen it, you’ve probably heard about how funny it is – probably from a twelve year old. You may watch this film today, and ask yourself “Larry,” (your name is now Larry) “Why do people think this film is so funny?” – and you would be right to question this – because this film is not funny.

Back in the late nineties and early noughties (kill me now), some people realised that to make a hit comedy sensation, you didn’t need to create your own material – you simply had to reference somebody else’s. Parody has existed for a damn long time, but what I’m referring to is not parody. I’m referring to the art of simply grabbing the biggest and most current thing, obnoxiously pointing at it, and yelling “HA HA HOW STUPID IS THAT – IMAGINE HOW FUNNY IT WOULD BE IF THERE WAS SOME POO ON IT!”


That’s not saying that it wasn’t funny for what it was – Most people (including myself) enjoyed the Scary Movie films back in the day. The trouble is that in recent years, people have started to see through this facade. We are no longer entertained by such poor attempts at parody, because we can get much higher quality content from the internet. We do not need to pay to have shitty pop-culture references slammed into our faces at the cinema, because we can watch much better ones on the internet.

Scary Movie 5 is without a doubt the absolute low point of an already pretty low series of films. No attempt has been made to disguise this as anything other than a desperate cash-grab.

What really stands out about this film is that most of the films it ‘references’ are not horror films at all – Inception, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Black Swan. Films that were so blatantly thrown in so they could stick it on the poster and attract a slightly broader audience. Yes, many of the Scary Movie films feature movies that are not ‘scary’ – but it’s time they were called out for it – how about you save those non-horror references for your next instalment; Bloody abysmal movie.

Charlie Sheen makes his token appearance, if only to make himself look like an even bigger desperate sell-out twat. The real kicker here is his part of the movie was the part they used in all the trailers, yet it was literally the first five minutes of the film – after that there is no mention of him. Also the trailer for the movie featured a lot of things that didn’t make the final cut – Maybe this was some meta-joke attacking Paranormal Activity for doing the same thing, but it’s highly doubtful that this film is capable of doing something that subtle.

You may notice that little is being said about the actual content of the film, and that’s because there’s absolutely nothing to say about the content of the film. It’s unfunny – desperately unfunny. The film occasionally has it’s moments, but really there are about two or three instances which will probably make you smile – if you are an immature twat.


For the most part, you will just cringe at how desperate and undignified the whole thing is. It sort of reminiscent of that guy who tells the same joke at every party, and always laughs at it himself while everyone else chuckles sympathetically, if only so he doesn’t feel bad. He knows that his joke is stale, but he also knows that he will get sympathy laughs for it – so he just keeps telling this awful joke – over and over – despite the fact that everyone is becoming increasingly tired of his crap.

Please for the love of god just stop inviting the bloody jackass to the damn party.

Verdict: Like stubbing your toe on a brick wall… that is on fire. (2/10)

My face when watching:


Image 1 Credit
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Image 3 Credit


2 responses to “Scary Movie 5 (2013) Review

  1. Pingback: Movie Review: A Haunted House | The Ranting Papizilla·

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